1 / 30 / 2021 -

I've wasted so much time lately, it's unreal. It's embarrassing how much of my time is getting sucked away by videogames...

I've started playing Everskies regularly since it launched a few days ago. It's a pixel dress-up doll game with a forum--think GaiaOnline--and its even full of wannabe scene kids, just like in the good old days, ha! (Funny how the trends come back around...) The clothes are really cute, and there's even an option to design your own. I'm definitely going to teach myself pixel art so I can draw some clothes! I've also realized that I've been playing Dream Girlfriend regularly for exactly a year now. The Valentines' day event triggered my memory, I started logging in daily around this time last year. (Pls don't bully me too hard for playing a game aimed at h*rny weeb dudes ok?? My girls look cute)

Having problems with my medication. My pharmacy went out of business...It's probably a stupid thing to be upset over, but it was so nice going to a privately-owned business for my meds rather than a chain store. They were so nice there, and they had a crystal display right by the door... Where else am I going to buy chunks of amethyst along with my anti-depressants?! Anyway, uh...I've finally got my scripts moved to a boring old CVS, as much as I hate it. I waited too long to get it figured out though: I ended up running out of my sleeping pills, and had god awful withdrawals. It was scary...and made me wonder if it will ever be possible to live my life unmedicated, someday.

My period snuck up on me this month. I'm glad it didn't come with any hysterical mental breakdowns like it usually does, but when there's no emotional symptoms, it's physcially painful. My ovary (???) was hurting so bad. Like a terrible pinching in my lower stomach, on my side. I found myself laying in bed a lot...but I usually do that anyways, so I guess it wasn't that different, after all?

Lately, my mood has been rather...Sad. Haunted. I'll sit up in the middle of the night with my chest tight, riddled with anxiety that I can't place. Bad memories playing over and over again in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I need to do something about my habit of attracting really toxic people into my life. I've told people stories about stalkers and violent ex-boyfriends and it makes their eyes bug out of their head. The only thing they can say is "Guess you're really unlucky..." or "You just always attract the wrong kinds of people". It's like bad people can just smell the damage on me. But...How do I change my vibes? That seems a lot easier said than done. I'll keep wracking my brain about it. Someday, I'd like to be a more outspoken person.

1 / 21 / 2021 -

So I went to the doctor this week. Just for a quick check-up. But it was really stressful--I was riddled with anxiety during the days leading up to it, because I really hate my doctor, lol. She's so condescending...Most of the appointment was done over the phone while I sat in my car in the parking lot. Which wasn't so bad, but man...I'm definitely more awkward on the phone than irl. I should have maybe written a list of things to talk about, idk...it wasn't a super productive visit, it just ended with "Well, you seem healthy, great!" and that was that.

Idk what's happening to me, but my short-term memory is going to sh*t. Recalling little things like what I ate for dinner and what I watched while eating breakfast us suddenly a fuzzy, distant dream. I guess when I word it like that, then it's not terribly important or worrisome--but it's been kinda freaking me out. I guess it's a side effect of all your days looking the same for so long...

But lately, things haven't been so boring! I saw my friends for a zoom chat for the first time in a few weeks, I've seen my grandfather several times, and I went to another thrift store. Mom and I went to a charity shop that we haven't been to in awhile, a few towns over...it was kind of scary though--there was a gaggle of older ladies all wearing 'Tr*ump 2020' masks shopping in there. It was my first time seeing hardcore Tr*ump supporters in the wild, besides rednecks waving flags next to their driveway around here. I guess being able to say that is kind of a blessing, though: we live in a "blue" state, so these sorts of things are uncommon...Thankfully they didn't cause a scene or anything, but it made me pretty uncomfortable. We didn't stick around too long in that store, I just kept my head down and bought my little basket of weird trinkets, lol. (I think it's really sad that politics now bring us this much of a sense of danger, though...no where feels safe anymore...)

I did a tarot forecast for the year ahead, and it was...complicated. The themes between the months flip-flop dramatically from really good to really bad. I showed it to S to get a second opinion, and they told me "It looks like you step into your own power one month, but then next month something frightens you and you step back". Sounds like my usual track record...Unable to make decisions quickly. Two steps forward and four steps back.

Anyway, I've still felt fairly productive. I've still been writing: there hasn't been a huge output, but I'm really trying to stick to my schedule of squeaking out a few sentences per day. It's...something. Cleaning has been taking up most of my time--mom's holding me to finally tackling my sewing/crafting hoard that's overflowing in the closet. There's so much fabric stashed away in there, it's scary! I don't even remember where some of it even came from! When I was in fashion design school, people would just give me stuff: distant aunties and would mail me boxes of decades old yardage, a neighbor would give me her quilting scraps...I was broke and too polite to say no, so I took everything in, thinking "Okay, well I got this stuff for free, it will probably come in handy someday...?"

...Years later, it turned out I collected way too much stuff for any single person to use, haha. It's been interesting pulling stuff out that's been buried in there for years. You literally can't see the floor, that corner is so deep... I'll find pieces of each dress I ever made: a sleeve pattern that came out wrong, the scraps of a hem that was too long, countless busted prototypes that I had to abandon....So far I have two bags full of fabric to donate. It's been cathartic to pack these memories away.

(I'm still keeping a good deal of scraps, mind you. I think I'll sew again, someday...just, not today.)

1 / 14 / 2021 -

I don't have anything insightful to say about the state of the US, as everything's been said already...but If I can be totally honest, I'm a bit shocked that everyone was just--so shocked!--about the riots at the capitol. The writing has been on the wall for a long time. And I don't think the agression is over: not one bit. But I'm not a psychic or anything, so like...idk how things will play out exactly. But I can only hope and pray that someday, we'll be able to make some actual positive changes to society....

So right after Christmas, my brother got exposed to COVID while at school. Well, *possibly* exposed--we just got a phonecall explaining that someone in the building tested positive, but they didn't believe they were in close contact with my brother...but the way it was worded was vague, so my family (obviously) panicked. I spent many nights awake, disinfecting everything, trying to trace what people had been touching throughout the day. But my brother has been just fine, thankfully! Not a single symptom. It would have been nice to get him properly tested, but with his disabilites it would have been far too traumatic for him, so my family decided against it...So we just attempted to isolate ourselves and hope for the best. I spent a lot of that week napping.

The numbers are bad in my area, in general. All the schools around here just went back to fully remote learning. Weirdly enough, it still feels like we're all going about business like normal. Maybe it's just because my family is still home, and I'm still just neeting out--which I know is a priviledge at this point, and I count my blessings for it everyday...But no one in my immediate circle seems terribly panicked, despite everything. But even if things seem fairly peaceful in my world, I just can't relax. My best friend M just lost her grandfather to COVID--the hospital finally gave up on him, and removed him from the ventilator after a month had passed. Her poor family is distraught...What a horrible way to lose someone. I need to finish writing my sympathy card to them and get it mailed out.

On a lighter note, I bought some games for my switch with my Christmas money. So far I've got Stardew Valley and Cooking Simulator--they seem great, but I haven't had the brain power to learn how to play them properly yet, lol. S and J just got Dead by Daylight, so my evenings have been spent teaching them how to play. It's really fun!! I'm so excited to have someone who I can talk to about it! Playing with beginner-level players is making me so overpowered though, lmaoooo.

My overall mood is just...a pessimistic sort of frantic. Ngl, I've been telling everyone around me that I'm fine, but there's been this underlying sense of panic eating away at me. I can't focus on a single task for very long--My mind just starts racing, thinking "Is this really what I'm meant to be doing, right now? Would it be smarter to spend my time doing something else?" I've written a little bit, and tried to draw something for the first time in awhile....I'm veeery rusty at drawing! lol~ I was kind of horrified that I've truly forgotten how to draw much anything, I'm really out of touch...!

My daily chores have been keeping me busy. I've been fighting with a family of voles that have invaded the chicken coop--our last few hens are too old and cowardly to just eat the damn things, lol.... .____. Mom and I attempted to organize my brother's CD collection while we were isolating at home. (pic related)

1 / 4 / 2021 -

It's officially 2021~!! Whoa!!

As promised, here's my rambly entry about the new year. I didn't really do much to celebrate--I had a migraine, so went to bed early, lol. But I usually don't do much for this holiday, anyways--! Even when I was very little, there was always something about New Years that made me a little...sad?

Anyway, because of that, I'm not super keen on resolutions, but I think it is good to self reflect a little. And this diary has become a space where I'm able to do that freely--I didn't realize when I started writing here again back in March, that I'd be using my notes as a reference of time passing. When everything I did this year sort of blurred together, it really helped having this little diary to look back on. And I don't think things are going to return to our old version of "normal" anytime soon, so...even if no one care's to read my weird rambles, I'd like to keep recording my thoughts, just as a record of what life is like rn.

So (in no particular order) here's a list of good things that have happened this year:

- I've learned a new skill! I've wanted to learn more about gardening for some time now. It's cliche, but like many people, I used my time in quarantine to start my own garden. My family and I grew a ton of veggies this summer, and I started my herb garden. I now have pots of rosemary and patchouli in the house, along with a few basic houseplants that I haven't accidently killed yet...!! Success!!

- I've managed to cut down on my medication doseage by a lot! This was mostly thanks to not being able to leave the house much, but I'm still really grateful that the circumstances forced me to taper down. For the first time in a very long time, I'm considering what life might be like if I was unmedicated...I still don't know if it's fully possible yet, but I think it's a step in the right direction.

- Worked really hard on my digital archive! This one probably doesn't mean anything to anyone but me, lol...It's a little thing, but I'm happy about it. Over the past few years, ripping Youtube videos and collecting images of things I like from across the internet has turned into a compulsive habit. My digital hoard has become so much bigger this year, and I'm starting to feel really satisfied with it! When our power/Wifi got knocked out from bad weather this year, I had a stash of movies to watch on my ipad/phone...It turned out to be so handy, that the rest of my family wanted in on it: so I started collecting videos for my brother, too. Explaining this is probably making me look neurotic, but I'm really glad that my family respects my weird hobby! I'll finish my shrine to this topic someday, where I can ramble about it at length...

- Found a sense of confidence and independence in general! Without the distractions of social obligations and daily life, I've had endless time to think about my past. The longer I fight with my trauma, the more I'm able to grasp it, I think. I've finally started questioning the problematic sh*t that I learned growing up. I can say to myself, "Okay...maybe I'm not worthless. Maybe what I have to say actually is worth something." And I think that's important to acknowledge.

And here's some things I'd like to do in 2021:

- Keep coding! I'm entering the new year with a lot of new projects on my plate: plenty of ideas for my Neocities site here, potentially making websites for friends & family, etc...I worry about forgetting the tiny bit of web design I've managed to teach myself, so I hope to keep pushing myself to learn new things. Eventually, I think I'd like to make a short game--maybe in Twine...?

- Get really serious about writing! Idk how many times I've scolded myself on here about needing to write more, but this time I really mean it...!! LOL. I start so many stories but then never see them through to the end. A friend will ask me about a certain story, and how it's coming along: and I've had to confess that I haven't touched it since [insert absurd amount of time ago here]. In 2021, I'd like to finish writing...something. Even if it's just new articles for my site here.

Part of me is always going to be sad about how 2020 played out: I mean, how can you not feel upset, watching humanity basically implode on itself...? (At least here in the US...) I entered this year with so much promise: I had some freelance gigs lined up, I was going to see My Chemical Romance live, attend a few geeky conventions for the first time in years...All fairly minor things I suppose (kind of getting embarrassed at how upset I am over these little things, lmao) but the grief I went through realizing that all of my plans had been dashed was intense.

Safe to say that we all went through some collective trauma in 2020...but, I'm grateful that I was able to still find some happy times throughout the chaos. I spent a lot of time outside, and played a ton of videogames, lmao. Ngl, my teenage-neet-self would be thriving in this environment...but I don't want to become too complacent with doing nothing. I hope this is the year that I actually finish a creative project. That I actually manage to create a form of passive income, like I keep telling people I will.

I hope I manage to create a lot of things. And I hope I learn more about myself. Maybe leave the house a little more: but that's up to the rest of society to decide if that's possible or not...but, no matter what happens, at least I can focus on the things I can control. I'm going to try to work really hard towards goals that will improve my life--one foot in front of the other!